


Time running out

by DieAstra



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Episode: s04e15 Hunters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25402738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DieAstra/pseuds/DieAstra
Summary: What if B’Elanna wasn’t the only one having trouble to deal with the death of all the Maquis? A look at Chakotay struggling with survivor guilt after the episode “Hunters”.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 11
Kudos: 21





	Time running out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Captain_Sh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Sh/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Plenty of Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25381285) by [Captain_Sh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Sh/pseuds/Captain_Sh). 



> This is sort of a continuation from “Plenty of Time” by Captain_Sh in which Kathryn learns about Chakotay’s letter and tries to give him support. It’s not necessary to read that story to understand mine but I want to recommend it anyway as it is simply beautiful.

„Commander, do you know why you’re here?“

Because he was starting to lose his mind.

Because he failed to do his duty.

Because he had slipped up a few times on the bridge, lost in thoughts, failing to give an order in time. The captain always had stepped in smoothly so nobody else had noticed, but she knew.

Once she had learned about his letter and what it said, she was not fooled by his smiles anymore. And she’d realized that the hug she’d given him had helped for the moment, but was not enough to heal his mind. At night, the nightmares returned.

But Chakotay said none of this. He settled for the easiest thing.

“Because the captain has ordered it.”

“She has ordered it because she is concerned for you and she hopes these sessions will help you to feel better.”

Chakotay laughed bitterly.

“Really, doctor? I don’t see how talking about this would make me feel better. In fact, I’d rather forget.”

“But you can’t, right?”

He looked down on his hands. The doctor waited patiently for his answer.

“No,” Chakotay admitted finally. He struggled to keep his voice quiet. 

All he wanted to do was to go back to work, to leave his dead friends behind. They were dead; there was nothing he could do about it. Theoretically, he knew that. But he couldn’t stop thinking about the ‘what if’. The thoughts were tumbling in his mind.

What if he had been with them?

What if he had kept fighting their cause instead of joining the _Voyager_ crew?

Could he have made a difference? Could he have saved at least one of them?

He found it impossible to sit still anymore. He got up from his seat and started pacing through the doctor’s office. The doctor quietly watched him, making some notes.

Chakotay turned to face him, anger rising in him again.

“I should have been there! I should have…”

He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. He was not going to cry in here. Kathryn would never allow him back on the bridge if she realized how broken he was. He was suspended for now but she couldn’t run this ship forever without a second in command. She might start looking for a replacement.

That was his biggest fear.

He was panting. Somehow he didn’t seem to get enough air. The room felt stifling all of a sudden. What he wouldn’t give for a window to open, to let in some fresh air. Breathing it in calmly.

Was this what a panic attack felt like?

It took a while until the doctor’s voice registered in his fogged mind. Until the ringing in his ears got faint enough to understand what he was saying. Heavily Chakotay fell down on his chair again.

“What you’re experiencing is called ‘Survivor guilt’. There are many examples of this throughout human history. I have studied them thoroughly. All cases are similar. Someone lived through a traumatic event – a kidnapping, a bank robbery gone wrong, or a natural disaster – and saw people close to them die. And they could not comprehend why they were the ones that survived. Sometimes it’s just fate. But it’s hard to accept.”

“No offense, doctor, but you are a hologram. What do _you_ know about feelings?”

Chakotay was surprised to see the doctor raising his voice at this.

“I saw my daughter die! It was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced! Don’t you tell me I can’t feel anything!”

Chakotay was more than happy to change the topic for a while so he asked for the doctor to elaborate, and the doctor, sensing that he might get through to him with sharing some of his own burden, willingly talked about the holographic family that he had created for himself and how he had to learn the lesson that in real life you can’t just stop the program, because it keeps running and running and running. No off switch.

After this story both sat in silence for a long time.

Finally the doctor put his PADD away, stood up and indicated that the session was over for today.

“I’ll send some files to your quarters. I want you to read them. Maybe they’ll help you to understand that nothing of this was your fault.”

“Thanks, doc.”

He didn’t really mean it.

*****

“Come in!”

“You wanted to see me, captain?”

Kathryn let the PADD she had been reading sink.

“Yes, doctor. I wanted to ask if you are making any progress with Chakotay.”

“You know I can’t discuss any details with you. Everything we talk about is confidentially.”

“I know you can’t, and I don’t want you to. I just want to know if he is starting to feel any better?”

She wasn’t sure whether she asked this as his captain or as his friend. Probably both. She really missed Chakotay. It had been several days and it felt lonely on the bridge without his steady quiet presence next to her.

She’d always known how much he meant to her but only now she realized how much she actually depended on him. It was as if her other half was missing. 

She wasn’t feeling whole.

And there were no other opportunities to see him either. Other than the daily sessions with the doctor Chakotay kept to his quarters. She could have visited him but it felt like intruding into his privacy. If he felt he needed to deal with this alone she would give him the space. And since she had taken on his duties as well for now, she barely had a free minute anyway.

This was how she justified avoiding him, when she probably was just afraid that if she did go she might not be able to keep it at a simple hug anymore. She had come dangerously close to more when they were in the turbolift.

“So you can’t clear him to come back to work yet?”

“I would advise against it. But I’m also at a loss how to help him. Time is running out.”

Kathryn got up and laid a hand on the doctor’s arm.

“Doctor, please take any time you and he need. Let him know that we all miss him, but I don’t want any pressure on him coming back before he is ready. Understood?”

“Understood. I might have an idea for a new treatment.”

“Then try that. I’m putting all my confidence into you, doctor. Dismissed.”

*****

Kathryn was staring at the blinking light at the door panel of holodeck 2, willing it to stop blinking. She had given strict order to not interrupt the program from the outside, to wait until it either had run its course or Chakotay stopped it himself. But now she regretted that order.

From behind the door she could hear battle noises, shots fired, screams. It was horrifying even though the sound was muffled. How much more frightening must it be for Chakotay to live through it right now.

All by himself.

There was nothing more she wanted than to run in and get him out of there. Hadn’t he suffered enough?

But she had to trust the doctor who had said that Chakotay needed this experience to find closure. That he needed the feeling to make a difference. Kathryn could only hope that it would help him. At least she had made sure he couldn’t disengage the safety protocols for this program. 

Finally the noise stopped and an eerie quiet took its place. If anything, this was even more frightening. The light switched and indicated that the program was over and the door now could be opened safely.

Kathryn did not wait another second. When she got in, she saw Chakotay lie on the far side of the room, curled inside a corner. She rushed over to him. He seemed to wake up like from a dream, blinking, slowly recognizing his surroundings. She knelt by his side and helped him sit up, leaning his back against the wall.

"Chakotay?"

She settled next to him, so close that their legs were touching. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked hesitantly. He simply nodded. His eyes, while still full of anguish and sorrow, were clearer now. She patiently waited for him to find the right words.

He looked away, not looking right at her seemed to make it easier to talk.

“It was slaughter, Kathryn. There is no other word for it. The allies the Cardassians had found used biochemical weapons. The Maquis didn’t stand a chance. In the beginning we managed to fight back but once that gas was getting into the caves there was no way out.”

Kathryn made a choking sound. It was even more horrible than she had imagined but she was determined to hear it all.

He turned now to look directly at her.

“I saw Ayala die. And B’Elanna. And some more of our Maquis crew members.”

“How…?”

“The doctor programmed it as if none of us ever joined the _Voyager_ crew. So we all would have been there together, and we all would be dead now.”

“So that means…?”

“It means that instead of regretting not having been there to fight with them, I shall be thankful that I managed to save a few of them. That _you_ managed to save us.”

It sounded as if he had accepted now what had happened. The grief was still there, but he seemed much calmer.

Chakotay started to get up, and helped her up along with him. Together they left the holodeck. 

Outside Kathryn said, “Go to sickbay, for a last evaluation of the doctor. If he agrees, I expect you on the bridge tomorrow at 0700.”

“Yes, captain!” 

And he smiled at her, the first real smile she had seen in a long time.

She was grateful to have him back.

She’d never take him for granted again.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> I'm no expert in psychological things so I made a lot up as I went. I hope it makes sense in a way.
> 
> I had planned to have another paragraph in there, written from Chakotay's POV, showing his experience in the program which would have ended with everything fading to black, indication of him "dying", but I found I couldn't do it. I think it's dark enough as it is.


End file.
